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I really enjoyed looking at the advertisements for vans/cars/trucks where the owners claim to have 246,342 miles on their amazing vehicle and it has never given them a bit of trouble. You can rest assured that this wolf in sheep’s fleece will make your life short, miserable and very unhappy. This vehicle gave its first owner much grief. He practically gave it away. The second owner suffered fits. And some kind of rash. The third owner was smart enough in the short time he harbored its evil propensities to cut his loses and get rid of it. That’s where I come in. I have been given the task of “get rid of it”.

Now this is where you show up. You look at the pictures. You say, “Hey, that looks like a very Nice Chevy Astro Van! Its white. Its clean. All four tires are currently on the ground and its not even levitating in an evil fashion. What could go wrong?”

(heh heh heh)

What you don’t see is that it leaks. There is so much evil in the engine compartment that it leaks out onto the ground. Tire fluid – leaks invisibly into the air. Cooling fluid leaks into the combustion chambers and floats off in a dissipating cloud. Lubricating fluids of many types defile the very ground that it rests upon. Windshield and carpet fluid will drip on your children causing them to scream (more than normal). The headlight fluid may or may not be low. I was not willing to put my hand in there to check.

But I digress. I am _really_ trying to sell this unwanted step-monster. Not, you know, SCARE you away….

Embellished Technical Specifications:

1996 Chevrolet Astro Van 2wd, LS model

123,000 painful miles suffered through various ungrateful owners. Possibly including one grandpa who started it every morning and drove it 47 feet to the mailbox and back. (you never know…)

4.3l V6 Vortec engine, auto transmission.

Air conditioning, pw, pdl, cruise (these things all work. well, except for one of the doors. I think.)

seat belts. really. not kidding. You really can strap your screaming spawn into its spacious seats.

Blue cloth interior. Which is pre-puked by someone else’s spawn.

Dark privacy glass. um, yeah. we may just leave this one alone.

the tires are, well, tired. (sorry, that pun is just wrong.) One tire leaks. Like, more than is appropriate.

Aftermarket Alpine stereo with 6-disc CD changer. Its 45 watts per channel will not be enough to completely drown the screaming.

Unbelievably, it has a K&N air filter. Some idiot thought he’d try to give it proper TLC. sucker.

Its got a couple small dents and or scrapes. You know. Garbage cans in dark alleys at 94mph after the bank heist.

Just enough small paint peeling spots to prove that is a GM product.

It starts right up and runs great. But … we are not sure about the intake manifold gasket. It may be bad. Or it could be worse. Or it could just be having a bad trip. It might be that the person who buys this thing finds that its really some kind of evil portal. You would drive off with it and suddenly be transported to some really messed up place that is suffering extreme economic distress and there would be homeless people panhandling on almost every corner…. weird. Or it could just be really expensive to have someone else repair the intake manifold gasket for you. Or … you could stretch your comfort zone and your sanity and fix it yourself. I know. crazy.

If you wish to test your mettle, call Greg at 861-8371

its waiting here for you…

oh, almost forgot. It is white. On the outside…

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